I'm not sure where to start...All I know is that I need to get is out of me. Find out why I do things in my life I know will hurt me. You would think at 51yrs I would have my life in order but it's totally the opposite. I'm not even sure exactly when it all started to fall apart. Seems like one thing lead to another and has continued on for years now.Don't know how many times I've asked myself "Will it ever stop?" There has been more than one or two I have thought about stopping it myself. In fact last night I found myself looking down on some little green pills in the palm of my hand. Normally I take 1/4 of one pill, but last night that pile of little green pills held the power to help me sleep peacefully ...forever. But like the last time I thought of my children and grandchildren..I couldn't do that to them. My kids have been my saving grace sooo many time... and they don't even know it. The last time was a little over a year and a half ago. I found myself crying, riding my motorcycle at 3am on some back isolated country road, going 70+mph. Every time I approached  a bridge, this little small voice in the back of my mind would say..."All it would take is to turn that front tire just a little and all the pain will go away. All those dreams and memories will stop." But I'd think of my kids and the pain I would cause them, I couldn't do that to them. So I found my way back home and nobody knew what almost happened that night. The next day I put on a smile on my face and went about my day. I still had that black pit feeling in my stomach and when no one was around I'd let myself cry. Not that kind of cry I could do at home..you know, the curl up into a ball, hold your stomach cry out loud "Lord why? Why me? Please, help me get through this." But this was in public, this was the bit your lip, cry in silence, kinda cry. I did try to get some help that time. I called the emergency hot line only to be told that "today in not an intake day but you can call back tomorrow or stop by anytime from 9am-5pm and we will be glad to do an intake on you."  Well, so much for that..my luck, I would have a meltdown on a non-intake day. 
  Well, I think I'll stop here. So many things are spinning around in my head plus I need to at least try and get an hour, hopefully 2 or more of sleep. Please, if you are reading this, just remember this rambling is for me and in my release of pain maybe it can help someone else going through the same darkness, pain, and loneliness.